Returning to Work, Part IV: The Trial Run

It's confirmed I go back tomorrow. Not for a full-full day, but a rather full day.

We've decided that I'll still feed G when I'm home (night, morning) but give her bottles (obviously) while J is here taking care of her and probably at dinnertime too. Right now her eats are all mom-generated; we'll start the formula introduction this weekend. But this way she'll still have the breastfeeding benefits as long as possible; I'll draw it out as long as it lasts.

Tomorrow will be the tricky day with work, as Thursdays and Fridays I work from home in the afternoons to do the preschool shuttle.

So G did a weird thing this morning, wanting to eat only 1 1/2 hours (not even, really) after her morning feeding. I should also add she slept 8 hours last night! Woo hoo. And she did the same thing last night...wanting almost a double-feeding prior to bedtime. So maybe this is a ramp-up to wanting a longer night's sleep. Heck, I'll try if she does.

So after the hunger mania this morning, I took off for the mall, to leave J in charge of the munchkins. (J is our nanny if you've missed my earlier posts. She is great. We are very much on the same page, and it is not her that I worry about.) I got all my errands done in record time, of course, and lasted a good hour and a half until I checked in to see how everyone was doing. No stress, everything was great. So I ran some more errands.

Why does it seem that errands multiply exponentially during the spring? Is it life's way of getting you out of the house? Or is it all the preschool birthdays? C and I refer to this as "the birthday season."

I got home and J was just about to feed G. I let her do so and hung back, attempting to get my own body on a schedule that will coincide a little better with work hours. I am about to burst. (That's as graphic as I'll get here.)

J asked me to keep an eye (on my own child...I know, that sounds odd) on G while she did some wash for the kids. Already getting to spend time with her felt decadent. Fun! I got to change a poop and hang out with her on her playmat.
So far, success.

There's this struggle with two children that I knew was coming, but wasn't sure how it would manifest itself. It's evolved into a kind of a two-headed monster.

1. I feel badly for O, because when I need to deal with G, he seems disappointed. I know he is not getting the time and attention that he is used to having. We try to involve him in everything, but sometimes you just have to help the baby and put him off. He's been great...a really good boy about it all.
   
2. I feel badly for G, because I know deep down she is never going to get the amount of time and attention that O got in his first 3 1/2 years. This makes me feel better about O but worse about G. And she is so happy. I don't know how I walk out the door tomorrow and leave that face.
   

It seems as if I don't know how to categorize my guilt, doesn't it?

It's also new territory for me. I am an only child. I never "got" the sibling thing. C has a much better life reference than I do, with an older brother and a younger sister. He jokes with his parents about having too few baby pictures of himself, and I think he is quite conscious of "second child" behaviors. Meaning, being the second one himself, he is somehow driven to always make her feel special.

Although this is slightly different since now we have the prince and the princess...the first grandchildren on both sides of the family. Different than two of the same sex, I would imagine.

I'm off to attempt to stave off my mental anguish by doing more chores.