Returning to Work, Part V: Day One

So I got to the office today after minimal trauma at home. The morning went remarkably smoothly. G slept for 8+ hours again, bless her little heart, waking up at 7:30 or so, and I was able to nurse her and still get to work at my usual arrival time.

I teared up only upon walking out the door. Not bad. No craziness yet. I'm in control.

Got to work, checked in to find my boss, and he was apologetic but told me that he had a few calls scheduled for the morning and could we please talk in the afternoon? Well, sure. I figured if I needed to, I could always go home and come back with the nursing thing, so I didn't explode.

See, Monday I had a conversation with him, and I just had...a feeling about things. That this initial conversation was not going to be super. So this conversation simply made me even more anxious.

Spent the morning getting up to speed on my main client. Not a lot to get up to speed on. Hmm.

Around 12:30, I went to the ladies' room. I found a gray hair. (I see one once in a blue moon. See my other post for additional content around this.) What the heck?

We met at 1:30...me and two of the three partners. The short version of the story is that the main account I have been handling is down about 80% in revenue. I knew this was coming; before I went on leave, they had switched agencies for the bulk of day-to-day due to political reasons internally...blah blah blah. Nothing new, I've seen it all at this point. I knew that they were trying to get some additional statements of work signed while I was on leave. Clearly, that didn't happen.

While I could read between the lines on what this meant immediately, it was up to them to tell me what the situation really was. They said they wanted to be as upfront and honest as possible since they knew what my "situation" was (2 kids, mortgage...). Basically, we've got about 30-45 days to get a SOW signed from the clients with a decent amount of work on it in order for them to afford to keep me on board.

Great.

I realize that I am one of the higher paid folks on staff. I also realize that it's hard running a small agency business when a recession is looming and marketing efforts are the first thing to get cut. And I respect the fact they were honest with me. But, it sucks.

I have to admit that I was musing about my options outside of my current position, wanting to do more writing, wanting to shift my focus and leverage the fact that I "get" digital marketing now. Which is valuable. I would venture to say I am far more marketable coming out of this position than going into it, to be truthful.

Welcome back, eh?
I'll be starting that job search...just in case.

Returning to Work, Part IV: The Trial Run

It's confirmed I go back tomorrow. Not for a full-full day, but a rather full day.

We've decided that I'll still feed G when I'm home (night, morning) but give her bottles (obviously) while J is here taking care of her and probably at dinnertime too. Right now her eats are all mom-generated; we'll start the formula introduction this weekend. But this way she'll still have the breastfeeding benefits as long as possible; I'll draw it out as long as it lasts.

Tomorrow will be the tricky day with work, as Thursdays and Fridays I work from home in the afternoons to do the preschool shuttle.

So G did a weird thing this morning, wanting to eat only 1 1/2 hours (not even, really) after her morning feeding. I should also add she slept 8 hours last night! Woo hoo. And she did the same thing last night...wanting almost a double-feeding prior to bedtime. So maybe this is a ramp-up to wanting a longer night's sleep. Heck, I'll try if she does.

So after the hunger mania this morning, I took off for the mall, to leave J in charge of the munchkins. (J is our nanny if you've missed my earlier posts. She is great. We are very much on the same page, and it is not her that I worry about.) I got all my errands done in record time, of course, and lasted a good hour and a half until I checked in to see how everyone was doing. No stress, everything was great. So I ran some more errands.

Why does it seem that errands multiply exponentially during the spring? Is it life's way of getting you out of the house? Or is it all the preschool birthdays? C and I refer to this as "the birthday season."

I got home and J was just about to feed G. I let her do so and hung back, attempting to get my own body on a schedule that will coincide a little better with work hours. I am about to burst. (That's as graphic as I'll get here.)

J asked me to keep an eye (on my own child...I know, that sounds odd) on G while she did some wash for the kids. Already getting to spend time with her felt decadent. Fun! I got to change a poop and hang out with her on her playmat.
So far, success.

There's this struggle with two children that I knew was coming, but wasn't sure how it would manifest itself. It's evolved into a kind of a two-headed monster.

1. I feel badly for O, because when I need to deal with G, he seems disappointed. I know he is not getting the time and attention that he is used to having. We try to involve him in everything, but sometimes you just have to help the baby and put him off. He's been great...a really good boy about it all.
   
2. I feel badly for G, because I know deep down she is never going to get the amount of time and attention that O got in his first 3 1/2 years. This makes me feel better about O but worse about G. And she is so happy. I don't know how I walk out the door tomorrow and leave that face.
   

It seems as if I don't know how to categorize my guilt, doesn't it?

It's also new territory for me. I am an only child. I never "got" the sibling thing. C has a much better life reference than I do, with an older brother and a younger sister. He jokes with his parents about having too few baby pictures of himself, and I think he is quite conscious of "second child" behaviors. Meaning, being the second one himself, he is somehow driven to always make her feel special.

Although this is slightly different since now we have the prince and the princess...the first grandchildren on both sides of the family. Different than two of the same sex, I would imagine.

I'm off to attempt to stave off my mental anguish by doing more chores.

The timing just hit me

I'm returning to work right before Mother's Day.
Oh God, that sucks. I think. (Could it be a good thing?)

I just have a feeling that it's going to be a tough week emotionally.
Wish me luck.

Returning to Work, Part III: Sinking in

Okay, so I'm dwelling on it.

It is so nice to watch G as she changes and grows every day...every day we swear she is bigger...and see O off to school, playing tennis, doing his thing with his pals. I am going to miss being at home.

I explained to O that I was going to have to go to work again next week. "Why?" was his pleading, whining tone (kind of like mine in my head, as I write this, admittedly).

"Well, the same reason I've always had to work, honey. I have to work to help pay for our house and things we like to do together, and it's just part of life. Things haven't changed from before, except now you'll have G to stay home with you and J. I'll still bring you to school twice a week, just like always."

"Okay. Will Daddy stay home?"

"No, Daddy has to work too."

"Okay."

He seems to take it well. He is used to the situation, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal; I suppose we have all gotten used to me being around the last handful of months, though. He likes when I come to watch him play and I can eat lunch with him or help him get dressed in the morning, or something silly like when he makes me a strawberry-orange pie with his Play-Doh. Me too.

And then I explain it to G on her changing table this morning, which is much easier since she doesn't speak yet. She just smiles at me with a coo and a giggle and somehow I feel like it's ok because she's female and she understands already. "It's okay Mama, I know it's hard." I know that makes no sense, but I just wonder if she is going to be an old soul like O is.

I'm starting to reach out to work, ask them to include me on things so I am not clueless upon my return. How does my boss want me to enter back into projects, do I have anything new on my plate...are all my responsibilities the same? I am curious to find out, honestly. Hopefully we'll speak this afternoon, but the day is going fast. Time is a-ticking, as I can constantly hear in my head.

On the home side, I want to be really organized, too--which is difficult as we still try to string together the bits of our living space post-renovation. I think that will help me do everything I need to do every day...things I want to make sure I do, like picking out clothes for both of them, taking care of anything necessary for his school, making breakfast, making dinner. I like to cook; so does C. We take out maybe once a week, and once G gets a little bigger, I am sure we will start going out to eat again. We are attempting a brunch this weekend (with friends and their family). Wish us luck.

I would have to work even if we didn't do the renovation. This makes it a bit less flexible since it will increase our monthly payments quite a bit, but if I'm in that situation regardless, I am glad we at least are going to be happy with what we are paying for.

Happy Friday, all--I am certain they will become infinitely more important again, starting next week.

Returning to Work, Part I: The Situation

So today I spoke with my boss (for future reference, I hate the word boss...even when applied to myself...actually, especially when applied to myself) about my maternity leave situation.

The "situation" began as follows:

• My company was advised by our outsourced HR support that NY state would take care of 60% of my weekly earnings.
  
• Very generously, my company stepped up to cover the other 40% of my weekly salary, with the encouragement to take the full 12 weeks that I am entitled to for family leave.
• Based on the above, there was no expectation to use up vacation etc, which I know I had to do on my last leave; but my prior agency didn't step up with the 40% like these guys did.
  
• I was overly distracted by work, pregnancy, and the (freakin') house renovation.

Then...

• I got my first check from NY state for the disability....the 60%. And it was way off. Called the HR rep, who informed me that they don't handle the details on that and literally wouldn't comment on it directly. To paraphrase: "There is a document in your package that tells you the max allowed for the NY state benefit." So I look. Clearly something I missed because it wasn't something I had to sign and return on the checklist...oh, there it is. It's not 60%, it's 50%, and it's a max of $170/week. WHAT?
• So, I call my boss, he calls the HR company and chews them out for the wrong advice at the get-go. Seems as if someone was "misinformed" that he spoke with.
  
• They have rendered the decision that "it was my responsibility."
• I'll be asking them to retro-act vacation and sick days to cover my leave. But seeing as I don't have THAT many, I may head back after 11 weeks off.
  

Which is in two weeks. Sigh. That went way too fast.